Today my apple was an idiot called Bernie. His hobbies included walking slowly, being in other peoples way and suddenly stopping for no apparent reason. His last words were, “I never wait for people to get off the tube before boarding, I prefer to just push my way in and then stop and stand right in the door way so I cause the maximum inconvenience to other people. In addition I always stand on the left on the escalators so that no one can get past me.” which made me enjoy watching him suffer as I ate him slowly. He tasted like a selfish pratt.

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