Today my apple was the man that sits next to you on the tube with his legs open so wide that he actually takes up three seats. He was called Selfish Dick Apple. His hobbies included invading other peoples personal space, leaning his elbows over the top of the arm rests so people either side have to crunch themselves up in a ball to avoid touching him and being sweaty. His last words were, “I don’t know what you’re complaining about – I like the feel of a fat strangers sweaty skin against my arm. I am now going to hit you in the face with my paper because I am so engrossed in reading it that I haven’t noticed it is imposing on the space your head was using.” He tasted like someone who didn’t have enough between his legs to warrant opening them that wide.

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