Today my apple was a morally retarded Newspaper Editor called Rebekah Apple. Her hobbies included gross invasions of privacy, producing sensationalist stories instead of real news and sumo wrestling. Her last words were, “I had no idea that the banana hacking was taking place.” I didn’t care whether she knew or not to be honest. Any decent person would have morally objected to producing the pugnacious drivel that she called a newspaper. She tasted like the sort of person who hides in your dead grandmothers bin so she can get a photo of your children’s knickers.

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