Today my apple was a celebrity wife called Victoria PoshApple. Her hobbies included being married to a famous squeaky voiced footballer, having a failing music career and fashion. Her last words were, “I shall call my new child Bumfitz Baboon 27 Koochiewoochie.” When I asked why she had chosen such an unusual name for her child she replied, “Well, if they have their daddies voice and my brains they will get bullied at school anyway – may as well give people something obvious to make fun of.” Strangely I actually liked her and her husband David Banana, I think it’s because they seemed to be able to laugh at themselves. She tasted like the least posh person I’ve ever put in my mouth.

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