Today my apple was a cheeky chappie called Ed Happlle. His hobbies included being naturally ridiculous, getting naked whenever an opportunity presents itself (and often when one doesn’t) and of course, his very popular Human of the Day photo – where he uploads a picture of a famous human and photoshops it to look like an apple. His last words were, “Do you think if I keep doing Human of the Day people will eventually start to like me?” I looked at this sad little fruity nob child and felt a pang of sadness as I realised there were parallels between his life and mine. After a few minutes of pondering this revelation I replied, “No, I don’t think anyone will ever like you. You are a cox.” He tasted like the moment that the satirist becomes the satire… and strawberries, which was yummy.

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