Today my apple was an anarchist protester called Bobsy Twatsworth. His hobbies included smashing things, setting things on fire, stealing things and violence – all of which he does as a form of ‘peaceful protest’. His last words were, “The way this country treats me is so unfair – what with all the benefits, the NHS and the free schooling. It makes me so angry – I’m going to smash things.” He was apparently annoyed because the raisin police had recently shot a banana. Personally, I feel that if you don’t want to be shot, you’d do better to not carry around an unlicensed firearm. If I had made a realistic looking gun out of paper mache and twiglets and I ran around central London with it I’d fully expect the police to shoot me so why anyone thought walking around with a real gun was a good idea is beyond me. He tasted like the kind of idiot that bites the hand that feeds him.

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