Today my apple was an umbrella wielding lunatic called Suzanne Appletease. Her hobbies included not looking where she is going when holding her umbrella, poking me in the eye with her umbrella and generally acting like she is completely unaware she is holding a giant parasol of sharp spikes. Her last words were, “What is wrong with your eye? It appears to be bleeding.” I’m sure that as far as she is concerned it is vitally important in this slight rain shower that she walk around with the equivalent of her own tent on a stick, but she could at least do every one around her the courtesy of realising that she is holding her umbrella at most people’s eye level and at least attempt to avoid hurting her fellow pedestrians. She tasted like someone who wouldn’t notice if you were on fire next to them on the bus.

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