Today my apple was a once great man and the creator of Star Apples called George Applecus. His hobbies included creating possibly the greatest ever apple based science fiction films of all time, inspiring you every single day with the world he had created in his mind and then gradually destroying everything that was good about it as though he had time travelled back to your childhood to stamp on your toys. His last words were, “In the 57th rerelease of the Star Apples collection I have decided to Replace Han Sapple with Jar Jar Bapple in all the Leia love scenes. Also Darth Banana is now going to be a cock shaped teddy bear.” The rage I feel might seem over the top, but you have to understand that the Star Apples franchise was the most important thing in my whole life when I was a child. Much like George Lucas in real life (who is obviously a Jabba the Hut style slug creature in disguise), George Applecus turned out to be a kiwi fruit. He tasted like a beautiful childhood sprinkled with shit flavoured midichlorians.

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