Today my apple was a middle lane driver called Fistol Buftapple. His hobbies included driving solely in the middle lane of the motorway, causing chaos behind him by driving really slowly then speeding up as you try and overtake him to make your life extra difficult. His last words were, “Basically, as well as being an idiot I’m also extremely selfish. Also, to be honest I don’t know how to drive.” Before eating him and ending his irritating life I explained to him, that although the middle lane is often full of complete morons, that doesn’t mean that the middle lane is there simply for idiots and fools to drive in. If you are not overtaking anyone you should be in the slow lane so that other people can get passed who aren’t driving like a demented old lady. It was quite sad really, because upon realising what an absolute simpleton and irritating dunce he had been his whole life he wept. Of course, it might have also been because I was chewing his face off. He tasted more like an idiot than a moron because, as my thesaurus notes, an idiot is a stupid person with a mental age below three years, while a moron is a stupid person with a mental age of between seven to twelve years .

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