Today my apple was a random bastard that only gets the train on Wednesdays and sits in my seat. He was called Cuntel Spoonfuzz. His hobbies included sitting in my seat, which, everyone else respects on every other day of the week, only going to work one day of the week and (I imagine) satanism. His last words were, “It’s not your seat, anyone can sit wherever they want when they get on the train.” I stared at him for a moment, finally realising that this was the most evil apple I have ever come across before taking a deep breath and composing myself. “I sit in this seat every other day of the week. Call me what you like but I get quite angry when someone else sits in it. And, prey do tell, why do you only get the train once a week? Are you the laziest apple to fall from a tree?” I then mashed him up and made him into an apple crumble whilst laughing manically to myself. I paused for a moment when the thought that perhaps this apple was actually not doing anything wrong and that maybe, just maybe it was me who was being unreasonable but I quickly realised that this was a ridiculous idea as he was obviously a depraved lunatic. He tasted more like bum gravy than pie.

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