Today my apple was one of those people who claims to do a job even though they have never actually been paid to do it. His name was Mumford Buttletwonk. His hobbies included telling people he is a director, telling people he is an actor and secretly working in Asda. His last words were, “I am a director, so I really understand film. I had to pursue a career like this because, unlikely everyone else in the whole fucking world, I am a creative. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and clean up some sick on isle five.” He tasted like one of those ready meals that looks delicious on the packet and you open it up and realise it is full of shit.

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