Today my apple was a stand up comedian called Bapple Bailey. His hobbies included being hilarious, being a musical genius and saying weird stuff. His last words were, “I’m English, and as such I crave disappointment. That’s why I buy Kinder Surprise.” He tasted a giant biscuit.

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Today my apple was a monster called Monster Apple. His hobbies included eating people, killing people and Tai Chi. His last words were, “Growwwwlll!” He tasted bum flavoured chocolate.

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Today my apple was a monster called Evil Apple. His hobbies included hanging around in dark corners, scaring people and juggling. His last words were, “Mwahahahahaha!” He tasted like fig flavoured coffee.

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Today my apple was a monster called Scary Apple. His hobbies included hiding under children’s beds, scaring them when it is dark and making potpourri. His last words were, “Don’t switch off the light!” He tasted like bacon flavoured toffee.

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Today my apple was the previous MNU executive in charge of relocating the Prawns from District 9 called Wikus van de Mapple. His hobbies included being a racist before finally realising the error of his ways because he has turned into a prawn, having a massive alien arm and piloting an awesome alien robot. His last words were, “Get your fokkin’ tentacle out of my face!” He tasted like Nandos Peri Peri sauce.

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Today my apple was the Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise called Captain Japple T. Kirk. His hobbies included exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life and new civilisations and bodly going where no man has gone before. His last words were, “Captain’s log: Stardate 5683.1. We’re making a rendezvous with the Vedala asteroid on a unique mission. The Vedala are the oldest space-faring race we know. They say something incredibly dangerous to the safety of our galaxy is developing and they have sent for selected specialists including Spock and myself.” He tasted like spicy chicken wings and bum flavoured chutney.

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Today my apple was a murderous Toon called Judge Doom Apple. His hobbies included trying to destroy Toon Town, Framing Roger Rabbit and inventing time machines. His last words were, “Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked… just… like… THIS!” He tasted like a seriously frightening acid trip.

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Today my apple was a movie star called Cary Grapplant. His hobbies included acting, being the first actor to go independent by leaving the studio system and being on the board of directors at Faberge. His last words were, “Everyone wants to be Cary Grapplant. Even I want to be Cary Grapplant.” He tasted like arsenic and old lace.

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Today my apple was a beautiful actress called Marilyn Monrapple. Her hobbies included acting, modelling and standing on gratings so her skirt blows up and everyone sees her knickers. Her last words were, “A sex symbol becomes a thing. I just hate to be a thing.” She tasted like a more glamourous time.

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Today my apple was a Nelwyn sorcerer called Willow Applegood. His hobbies included protecting Elora Danan, practising magic and hanging out with Madmarmalade. His last words were, “Her name is not Sticks! She’s Elora Dannen, the future empress of Tir Asleen and the last thing she’s gonna want is a hairy chest!” He tasted like my favourite child hood film with a hint of toffee.

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