Just an apple

Today my apple was just an ordinary apple. It had no character, no hobbies and said no last words. After all this time finding interesting apples in my fruit bowl you would think that I would be disappointed, but I wasn’t – it was delicious and healthy.

Thank you to everyone who followed my apples, hopefully you’ve enjoyed them, and maybe it’s even inspired you to eat a bit more fruit. I am now giving up apple of the day now to concentrate on some of my other projects like my web comic http://www.thecuttingedgecartoon.co.uk.

Next time you are deciding between getting an apple from a fruit bowl or having a piece of chocolate, take another look at that apple – it might be more interesting than you expect.

Stopius Shitieoneselfas

Today my apple is Immodium, because it is always better to have not shit yourself.

Sorry for the disruption to your usual service

Today there is no apple of the day today due to a serious case of Gastric Flu which has lead to scenes in toilets around the country reminiscent of the Alien ‘acid blood’ scene. We are sorry for any inconvenience this causes you but hope you can instead enjoy our apple of the day ‘Look like Alex mask’.

Now you too can look like my friend Alex, simply print this picture out and super glue it to your face.

The ‘Look like Alex mask’ is fun for the whole family.

Dumbleburt Spoontulniff

Today my apple was one of those gormless idiots who reads the paper as they walk along. His name was Dumbleburt Spoontulniff. His hobbies included getting in peoples way, walking into things and wondering why he can’t see where he is going even though he is reading a paper. His last words were, “This is worrying news about the economy. Oh dear, I seem to have fallen down a manhole.” He tasted like spud flavoured dinkleweed.

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Sicko Bungtum

Today my apple was one of those sickly people who gets the train who you should feel sympathetic towards but you actually hate them for bringing their germs near you. His name was Sicko Bungtum. His hobbies included sneezing, coughing and looking terrible. His last words were, “I have to go to work even though I am unwell because they can’t cope without me.” He tasted poorly which made me wish I’d been more sympathetic.

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Mumford Buttletwonk

Today my apple was one of those people who claims to do a job even though they have never actually been paid to do it. His name was Mumford Buttletwonk. His hobbies included telling people he is a director, telling people he is an actor and secretly working in Asda. His last words were, “I am a director, so I really understand film. I had to pursue a career like this because, unlikely everyone else in the whole fucking world, I am a creative. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go and clean up some sick on isle five.” He tasted like one of those ready meals that looks delicious on the packet and you open it up and realise it is full of shit.

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Wotsit Whosmajig

Today my apple was one of those people who seems to know you but embarrassingly you have no memory of at all. He was called um… Wotsit Whosmajig. His hobbies included not being memorable, remembering other people and something else which he did tell me but I’ve forgotten. His last words were, “It’s so nice to see you again Ed. I have really missed you Ed.” To which I replied, “Yeah, me too…. mate.” He tasted like something you’ve forgotten how good it tastes until you actually have it again and then you realise you are pretty ambivalent to it.

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Stuffy Fapple

Today my apple was a morbidly obese person called Stuffy Fapple. His hobbies included eating, not moving and eating. His last words were, “I have made a crisp biscuit and egg sandwich. It is very comforting and makes me forget about how sad I feel because I am fat.” He tasted lard flavoured Horlicks.

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Bungoed Smapple

Today my apple was the sort of person who gets ill the moment they have a few spare minutes called Bungoed Smapple. His hobbies included feeling ill, sneezing and coughing. His last words were, “I have the man flu!!” He tasted a lemsip flavoured Chicken soup.

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Barry Appleton

Today my apple was the sort of smug bastard who has already done all of their Christmas shopping called Barry Appleton. His hobbies included doing his Christmas shopping in June, paying for everything with vouchers and wearing a cardigan. His last words were, “I don’t find Christmas at all stressful and I don’t see any reason for it to be. A long as you start planning in January like I do then everything should be tickity boo!” He tasted a cheese flavoured Minced Pie.

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